Jan M. Montesano responded in a typical teacher fashion when a new 1st grader entered her classroom, sobbing for his mother. She empathized with the boy, reassuring him that everyone feels the same way on the first day of school. Little did she know that his distress went deeper than just the ordinary nervousness of starting a new grade. His mother, amidst a marital conflict, had moved out of the state the night before school began.
Over the following weeks, the boy displayed his troubled emotions through various behaviors, such as becoming inattentive, withdrawn, and even lashing out at his teacher. He struggled to handle the normal stresses of 1st grade. This boy, however, found solace in an innovative peer-counseling program called "Banana Splits," which aimed to assist children dealing with family disruptions. Experts recognize the increasing impact of divorce and family instability on schools, although not all children react as visibly as Ms. Montesano’s student.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately 60 percent of children currently being born will live in a single-parent household before the age of 18. In 1988, a quarter of all children, over half of black children, and 30 percent of Hispanic children lived in such households. Due to high rates of failed second marriages involving children, many children experience multiple family breakups. In Ms. Montesano’s class, six out of 25 students were going through a family breakup this year, while another year saw 11. The constant need for counseling interrupts teaching, making it difficult to follow lesson plans.
However, the "Banana Splits" program in this district provides troubled students with the support they need to navigate through family upheavals, including deaths, divorces, and remarriages. With the help of peers who were also experiencing similar crises, the student who initially missed his mother on the first day of school has made significant improvements. He now serves as a mentor for his classmates. The "Banana Splits" program, which began ten years ago, has expanded to other states and has reached a total of 15,000 to 20,000 children. Additionally, similar programs have been established across the country.
A recent survey by the National Association of Elementary School Principals reveals that changes in family structure have led to significant changes in textbooks, teaching methods, and classroom language. Many administrators have adjusted their work hours to accommodate conferences with single parents and have provided alternative programs for traditional parents. However, experts argue that schools have been slow to recognize the impact of divorce on classrooms and to develop strategies to mitigate its effects. They believe that schools are still operating with outdated expectations of a "normal" family structure.
Studies show that children whose parents are going through a divorce or separation often experience temporary lapses in their schoolwork. They may also exhibit a range of behavioral symptoms, from daydreaming and withdrawal to displaying anger towards teachers and peers. When children are preoccupied with concerns about their living situation or receiving child support, academic matters become less important. Judith S. Wallerstein, in her book "Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce," highlights the long-term implications that divorce can have on children.
‘The Grief in a Child’s Eyes’
During the initial phases of his parents’ separation, the first-grade student described by Ms. Montesano displayed significant nonverbal cues. "He would slouch down at his desk, almost falling out of his chair. He would bury his head in the desk and refuse to lift it up — sometimes sideways. He would complain, ‘I don’t feel well. I’m tired. My tummy hurts.’" This child also struggled to complete his schoolwork and engaged in disruptive behavior. "He would scream at me. At times, I had to physically remove him from the classroom."
On other days, "he would completely shut down," she recollects. "There was no inner drive." Other signs of stress exhibited by children experiencing family disruptions include restlessness, bitten nails, and the undeniable sorrow evident in their eyes as they attend school each day, says Suzy Yehl, the director of Rainbows For All Children. This peer support program was initiated in three Catholic schools in Chicago and is now used in various settings. While misbehaving or bullying peers may attract the attention of teachers and counselors, students who are quietly preoccupied may go unnoticed, states Phyllis Richter, a social worker from Kensington, MD. Many intelligent children, she notes, can manage to perform at school without their preoccupations impacting their academics. Even if they are miserable, they can "pull it off."
Experts say that children of divorce often feel a sense of responsibility for their parents’ separation and may daydream about reuniting them. One girl, for instance, "believed for five years that her parents divorced because she failed to deliver a message from one parent to the other," as Ms. Wallerstein writes. Similarly, a young boy once thought that his loud dog was the cause of his parents’ rift. Burdened by guilt, these children may become overachievers, believing that their good behavior will bring their parents back together.
On the other hand, some children may act out deliberately to force their parents to interact with one another, explains John S. Visher, a psychiatrist from Los Altos, CA, who specializes in stepfamily issues along with his wife. "Sometimes a child will create difficulties or engage in disruptive behavior at school," he states, because they believe the school will involve both parents and this will somehow mend their fractured family.
‘Reexamining’ the Impact of Divorce
In the most comprehensive nationwide study on the effects of divorce on school-age children, initiated by researcher John Guidubaldi in 1981, children from divorced families were generally rated as less successful than those from "intact" families in terms of their social and academic development. This pattern remained consistent in a follow-up study conducted in 1984, and the ongoing seven-year follow-up is expected to confirm the persistence of these disparities, according to Mr. Guidubaldi, who leads the developmental school psychology program at Kent State University. School psychologists collected data on 699 students in 1st, 3rd, and 5th grades across 38 states for this study, which utilizes ratings from teachers and parents, classroom grades, and standardized test scores.
According to Ms. Wallerstein’s findings, approximately two-thirds of the fathers in her study who had the financial means to pay for their children’s college tuition chose not to, claiming they had fulfilled their obligations. She points out that this lack of support from fathers can negatively impact the aspirations of their children, especially when they realize that financial assistance will stop at a certain age.
The Banana Splits program aims to reassure children that they are not alone in their divorce journey and that they can survive and overcome the challenges. Ms. McGonagle, the program’s creator, explains that it helps children understand that while they may not like what happened, they have the strength to endure. The inspiration behind Banana Splits came from Ms. McGonagle’s work as a high-school social worker, where she noticed that many children faced ongoing difficulties stemming from their parents’ divorce.
Initially, the program started with two children from divorced families at an elementary school, but it quickly grew as more friends joined. Ms. McGonagle emphasizes that children join the program voluntarily and parental permission is required. In some schools, the groups are led by school social workers, while in others, teachers, administrators, or guidance counselors lead them. When students choose to participate, they write their names on construction-paper "bananas" that are displayed on a paper tree. The Banana Splits emblem serves as a positive symbol for children from divorced families, promoting visibility and acceptance among their peers and school staff. The principal of Wood Road school, Joseph M. Lopez, who himself experienced divorce, serves as a role model and has spoken at Banana Splits meetings.
The program participants meet in small groups during lunch or after school to share their experiences, engage in art projects, play games that encourage discussions about their feelings, fears, or desires, or write on a "graffiti board." The meeting rooms are equipped with items such as sandboxes, drawings of cartoon characters representing different emotions, and a large teddy bear. During a recent session for 3rd-grade girls, they discussed topics like their reactions to their mothers’ boyfriends, vacations and visitation rights, and the emotional tug of war between their parents. One of the program’s significant achievements, according to Ms. McGonagle, is its role in reducing the shame or stigma associated with divorce. By bringing the issue of divorce out into the open, children no longer have to feel ashamed about it.
When Ms. McGonagle contemplated disbanding the Banana Splits program to focus on other tasks, the children persistently asked her to reconsider. As she says, once the program is established in a school system, the children will ensure it continues. The program has become so popular that children from intact families sometimes express their desire to join. Experts suggest that even children from intact families are affected by the high divorce rates and are anxious about the possibility of their parents’ separation.
To address these concerns, a group in Santa Barbara, California, has developed a curriculum on family transitions for classroom use. The curriculum spans four days and covers the range of emotions that arise when families change and the various forms a family can take. Wendy Geis-Rockwood, director of the Families in Transition Education Project, highlights the need for children to have a safe space to express their feelings, and group approaches like Banana Splits provide an ideal environment for this purpose.
"Previously, I would have been frustrated and questioning why these children can’t learn?" Ms. Montesano remarks.
The role of schools is being debated.
Such programs help children feel less alone and allow them to confront emotions that they may have felt too guilty, ashamed, or scared to express or even acknowledge, according to Ms. Wallerstein. However, she argues that these programs do not address her main finding, which is that children’s internalized views of failed relationships with their parents can lead them to develop attitudes and expectations of failure in their own lives and relationships. Ms. Wallerstein believes that addressing these issues should be the focus in high schools and colleges, rather than elementary schools. She criticizes the lack of attention given to these issues in schools, stating that they are the issues of mid- to late adolescence.
Some educators are cautious about schools taking on this role. Arthur Woodward, a research associate at the University of Rochester, who extensively studied textbooks, believes that publishers may downplay traditional families if they depict divided families too prominently. He points out that traditional families are still a major institution in society. Virginia Rovelli, a reading coordinator at Wood Road school, explains that some of her colleagues object to school-based interventions because they fear that students may return to class late or upset after counseling sessions. Others feel that it is the responsibility of society and families to address emotional needs, and that if a child has a problem, they should discuss it at home.
A school-based program run by the Pittsburgh Center for Stepfamilies aims to improve communication between children and parents. Separate counseling sessions are conducted for children and parents over six weeks. These sessions include role-playing and other exercises to promote understanding between parents and children.
Barbara J. Levine, a social worker at Milton Terrace Elementary School, explains that Banana Splits counselors encourage children to talk to their parents and discuss the best time to do so. Carol A. Frederick, a middle-school social worker, adds that students get ideas from the group on how to approach their parents.
Experts emphasize that not all children suffer long-term harm from family separations. Some conditions can mitigate the effects of these separations. Ms. Wallerstein suggests that children generally benefit when marriages filled with conflict end, especially those involving violence or abuse. Mr. Knoff points out that children who are naturally more resilient to external stress tend to have fewer ongoing difficulties. Additionally, breakups that are amicable, maintain close contact with the estranged parent, and ensure financial security tend to have a less traumatic impact on children. Mr. Guidubaldi’s studies also show that children fare better when split families maintain structured daily routines and family rituals. Some even question whether all the behavioral impact attributed to divorce can be proven.
Carol Tavris, a social psychologist, argues in a review of Second Chances that without a control group, Ms. Wallerstein attributes all distress and difficulty to the parents’ divorce. Traits such as girls’ fear of betrayal in relationships, she notes, can also be found in daughters whose parents never divorced. Ms. Rockwood from the Families in Transition program adds that it is a myth that children living with stepparents are necessarily less well-adjusted than their peers. Data shows that just as many kids from biological parents face problems, and deaths and illnesses can also have a detrimental impact. She believes that the main goal of educational support programs should be to convey to students that it’s not the composition of their family that determines its healthiness, but rather how they communicate and solve problems together.
